Family Gatherings

Family events. Does anybody actually enjoy these. And if somebody does then that raises one question; why? As I see it, it is basically an opportunity to be in the same area as all of the distant relatives you never knew you had and not communicate with anybody because you don't know their names. And you can't ask their names because you are expected to know them. There always seem to be at least two more children each year,too. That is two loud, annoying children who seem to draw energy from the hatred they inspire in you, and then use that energy to hurt themselves, so that nobody can get angry at them and they have an excuse to be even louder.

And sometimes you are expected to bring food. Inevitably you will bring meat, because meat is great. Then when you get there you will be told by somebody named Barbara (they are always called Barbara) that some weirdo you have never seen, let alone known you were related to is a vegetarian and that the letter they sent to the house you lived in six years ago had told you to bring salad for them. I will then proceed to tell Barbara that that is ridiculous and that vegetarians don't really exist and are just made up to scare children. And of course the desserts will all have the exact same colour and texture as cement because somebody "Got the quantities wrong". This makes me wonder how much cement mix they actually put in, because it was clearly far to much. And the worst part is you have to pretend to enjoy them "Oh did you really get the quantities wrong? I never would have guessed!"

Then everybody goes home, has their stomach pumped and swears never to go to another one of these events. The next year you end up having to go because every excuse imaginable has been used by somebody else. Bob has been attacked by a Bengal tiger, Jill is on an important business trip, Tom didn't get the invitation, Dylan was having a tumour removed on that day etc.